This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
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Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
I thought this was funny lol
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
this is the greatest thing ever
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.