[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
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Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.