Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
You Might Also Like
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
At least my masseuse has my back.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth