On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
You Might Also Like
Attacked by a mop.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that