I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
You Might Also Like
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.