Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
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why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
Don’t snitch tag.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
I just tested negative for patience.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.