Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
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The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments