I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
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Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
ugh not again
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.