When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
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I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
this is uni
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”