Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
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[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves