Candid photo of me, eating chips.
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When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
There are no pants in heaven.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan