watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
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[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
my nickname in college
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this