went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
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Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga