OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
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[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
*swipes right on my hand mirror
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?