Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
You Might Also Like
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*