every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
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*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
this is 10/10 content no notes
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance