My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
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I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Twitter is an abusement park.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments