Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
You Might Also Like
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?