“That’s so cool,” she lied.
You Might Also Like
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
Geez man, take it easy.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?