I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
You Might Also Like
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy