My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
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I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
When ur friends with white people
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
BETRAYAL
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba