Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
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*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers