My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
You Might Also Like
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent: