Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
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I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought