Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
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as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
me
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
Happy Taco Tuesday
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
What number SPF blocks people?
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink