Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
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My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
This is me 🤣🤣
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.