me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
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– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.