Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
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Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home