Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
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This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.