if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
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4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
Banking tips
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100