I support this random dude and all his protests
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Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
Monday
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems