You Might Also Like
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet