I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
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Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
Every work call, he judges.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.