If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
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Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
Happy Star Wars day!
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
This guy’s not having it 😆
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Happy Taco Tuesday
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”