origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
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I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
This is I, Robot all over again
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge