Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
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Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
#damn
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]