Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
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I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.