Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
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“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
These aliens are taking forever.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
I’m not lazy
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?