what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
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I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.