[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
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I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?