WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
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My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Meowchelangelo
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.