therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
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A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.