My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
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The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.