I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
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Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
I hate my earbuds.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95