Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
You Might Also Like
When you can’t find your friend Neil
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.