Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
You Might Also Like
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
My first son he is wonderful
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.