Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
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“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
Meanwhile in Portland…
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.