Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
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Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
Cheer up.
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels