When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
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waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.