Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
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If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
his wife is probably gonna see that
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
Crying is a sign of leakness.